


My Heart is Full

by flightlessheart87



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 19:17:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13747545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightlessheart87/pseuds/flightlessheart87
Summary: Nick is on the run with June and they are trying to survive and make it to Canada.





	My Heart is Full

As I sit here in the dark, windowless van all I can think about is Hannah. I remember how we use to sing songs on long car rides. I remember how she would make me sing If you're Happy and you know it over and over. It was her favorite. I didn't mind, because it made her giggle and she had the best giggle. God, I would give anything to hear her giggle, to hold her, to be with her and to sing to her again. I wonder what they've told her. Does she still remember me? Does she think I'm dead. When her gold fish died I remember telling her that he was in a better place and that she shouldyn't be sad because it's beautiful there. Telling her this made her feel better. We even had a funeral for the gold fish, Mr. Goldie was his name. Maybe that's where she thinks I am. In a better place with her gold fish. Maybe she thinks that I'm coming to get her. How long after they took her did she cry out for me only to be disappointed that I wasn't there to comfort her. I hope that she still thinks of me, that she still remembers me. I have to survive this for her. We've stopped. We're at our destination, wherever that is. I held my breathe as I heard the men who have taken me get out of the van, slamming the front van doors behind them loudly. What will my fate be? Nick said to trust him, but I'm not with him. I'm with strangers. For all I know these people are here to take me to my end. After all Nick is an eye and these guys were most certainly eyes as well. Then again, I am carrying a child and surely the powers that be of Gilead would not do anything to harm a unborn child. But I can still carry a child without an eye or a hand. Maybe that's why I'm here to be punished. I stepped out of the van slowly putting one foot at time on the pavement. Why am I panicking? I have no control over what is to come. I am powerless.

 

Where are we? I thought. I looked up at the sky, it was still daylight, I didn't know what time it was but it seemed like it was the evening and almost time for the sun to set. I took another slow look around. Then I realized where we were. It was hard to recognize the building in the daylight at first. We were at Jezebels. But why? Why would they bring me here? Are they going to have me work here at the brothel now? We took the same way up that I did with Nick and the Commander. I can still remember how Nick looked each time the commander touched me or spoke to me. There was a slight look of disgust in his eyes and I was always worried that the commander would catch it. It was hard for me to have to play along with the Commander's games while Nick was watching and listening. Surely he knew I had to say those things. I had to pretend that I was interested in the disgusting things the Commander said to me. I had to accept every touch even though I wanted to scream. I hated the way the Commander looked at me. I hated even more when he touched me with his cold hands. Was this Nick's plan? Did Nick think that bringing me here would be better than the Waterford's? 

 

The elevator door opens and one of the men tell me to follow him. We walk the opposite direction that the commander and I went to the room and bar. They lead me through two big swinging doors. I smell something. Is that garlic? Yes, I smell garlic and something else that I can't quite figure out. It smelled like Sundays with Hannah when we would cook together. We're in the kitchen. "Wait here." The man said. Like I had any other choice. Like I would dare to take a chance and run. I knew better, I wouldn't get far before they shot me. I stood at the corner of the entrance to the kitchen looking up every once and a while hoping that maybe I'd see Moira. Then after about five minutes the man returned with a woman. She was slim and wearing the same clothing as Rita. She was a Martha. She was carrying a towel and drying her hands as she approached me. "Hey." she said as if we were long lost friends reuniting. "HI" I whispered nervously without looking up at the women. "My name is Beth." she said. "Well, come on lets get you out of the kitchen before anyone sees you." she said quickly. I followed her downstairs. It was dark and there was a damp smell it reminded me of how potting soil smells. Where was she taking me. "This is the cellar" she said. It's not fancy but nobody will come down here nosing around. We've already gotten everything that we need for tonight's shift." She handed me a brown paper bag. "I grabbed some clothes from the girls upstairs. They won't notice. They probably won't even remember they had them." she said with a little chuckle. I had so many questions. Did Moira help her? Does she know that I'm here? Won't the Commander and Mrs. Waterford look for me now that I'm pregnant with a child she longs to claim? Where is Nick? She pointed to a shelf filled with canned goods and told me to change behind there. I changed into a black shirt, sweat pants and black slide on shoes. The shirt had a v-neck and showed much more cleavage than I would have every showed, but it was much more comfortable than the cotton handmaid's dress. I felt strange in these clothes. I looked in the bottom of the bag and seen lotion and chap stick. I had to smile a little. I never thought that I'd be so glad to see lotion. I opened the top like a child would open a present on Christmas. The lotion was unscented, but it felt so good to apply it on my hands. I took my hair down and started to fold my dress and put in back in the bag when I heard someone walking down the stairs.

 

My heart began to race. I stood frozen, unable to move or breathe. I was too scared to look behind me and see who was there. "June." I heard the man say. I turned around. It was Nick. He was here, I had to blink and take a second look just to be certain. He looked at me with big eyes as if he were shocked to see me in something other than that red dress. "Beth give us a minute" He said almost out of breathe. Beth looked at him with a sort of half smile and I watched as she made her way back up the stairs. As soon as she was gone I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. What was going on? What was all this for? I wanted to say but couldn't. He walked to me quickly almost running. Nick placed one hand around my arm and the other hand on my stomach. Then he leaned over to me and placed his forehead against mine. I could feel the outside chill on him. He was breathing heavily as if he had ran all the way here. I stepped back, confused. I looked at him and whispered nervously " What is this? What are we doing here?" He looked at me as if he were trying to memorize me. His eyes met mine, and at times Nick's eyes have always said more than he ever spoke. He looked down at my stomach, his hand was still touching it and he said " I had to get you out June. I should have gotten you out sooner. I should've...I should've stopped this." He was clinching his fist and shaking his head.I put my hand on his cheek while running my other hand through his hair and I kissed him as if to tell it's alright. I know there was only so much he could do, or prevent. Then he wrapped his arms around me and we just stood there for a moment embracing one another. It felt so good to have him close to me, his warm body close to mine. He took his hand and put a piece of my hair behind my ear and leaned in to kiss me again. Even his kisses said more than his words. So much passion in his kisses and he was always so gentle. I still wanted to know him. I carried a piece of him, a piece of us in my womb. It always felt like we were in our own world when he touched me, held me, kissed me. It's like his body was a drug that had a way of calming me, soothing me and making me feel something real. He made me feel alive. Then I softly said to him "Nick, are we safe here? Won't they look for us here?" He stepped back and looked into my eyes. Calmly he said "June, I need to get you out of that house. I have a plan to get you to Canada, but it's going to take some time. I've used every resource and favor to get you here."I couldn't help but smile slightly. Canada. Freedom. Luke. Then my smile quickly faded as I realized that freedom would come at a price. I thought about the threat Mrs. Waterford gave me. "Nick, I can't leave...I can't leave my daughter." I said. I could feel my eyes filling up with tears. "I can't leave her behind, that's just not an option." I said. He just looked at me with this puzzled look on his face. Did he not know that I had a daughter? How could he have known? He wiggled his fingers as if he were trying to come up with an answer to a math problem on a calculator. He nodded and said " June we'll find her. I need more time. I need to get you to safety. There are some people that have been trying to smuggle out handmaids. It hasn't been easy because they've tighten up the road blocks and the borders. I could hear footsteps. "Sorry guys we need to wrap this up. I'm going to have to go ahead and get you two settled in before everyone gets started for the night." Beth said. She gave Nick a wide eyed glare. Nick just shook his head and looked at me " June, I can't let them hurt you, I can't let them take..." He stopped talking and just looked at my belly and sighed. Beth started to go back up the stairs. "Wait, Beth can you tell me is there anyway that I can see Moira..Uh..I mean Ruby?" I asked remembering that here she doesn't use Moira anymore. "She isn't here anymore, she killed a guard and ran away. As far as I know they haven't found her." Beth answered sadly. She got away. That was hopeful. God, I hope that they didn't find her. I can only imagine what they would do to her. No, she got away. I have to tell myself that she is safe. I have to hope for the best. We slept in the cellar that night. Beth brought us a few blankets and a pillow down there for us to use. Nick made us a little pallet behind the shelves in the very back of the cellar. He had explained to me that it was too late to move tonight and that we would need to go early in the morning when everyone is asleep and meet with his contact to the safe house. I have to admit the floor was uncomfortable even with all the blankets layered, but it was comforting having Nick beside me. We didn't speak much, we both were exhausted. Before going to sleep I burned the brown paper bag that contained my red dress in it. I have to say it felt great. It felt like a small weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Nick could see that I was drained. He told me to lay down and he kissed my forehead. I slept curled up to his warm body. He had his hand on my belly the entire night and it made me feel safe. Surprisingly I fell asleep quickly.

 

When morning came Nick woke me. He looked like he didn't sleep at all. He had some food for me that Beth had brought to him. It was an omelet, toast, orange juice and sausage. It was a lot more fancy that what Rita cooked. It was early, the sun hadn't come up yet when we left. We drove what seemed like hours. I was in the trunk, a precaution Nick hated, but he knew it was safer that way and so did I. I didn't complain I understood, I've had to do this before. Finally we got to the safe house. Nick had bribed a lot of the guards at the check points to get us through safely. Everyone has a price even in Gilead. When Nick walked me to the back of the house I couldn't help but feel nervous. As we approached the back door I could see a blonde figure standing and I felt my heart sink in. Is that Serena Joy? Oh, God she found us. No, it wasn't. This women was different. In fact she looked nothing like Serena Joy, I was just being paranoid. This women did have blonde hair, but she had a round gentle face. She was about my height and she wore a econo wife's dress. "Praised Be" she said to us as we entered her home. When we got inside she introduced herself " My name is Sydney and behind me that is my husband Jason." He just smiled not really looking at us. Sydney lead us upstairs were there was a large bookcase in the hallway. I'm sure before this it would've held numerous books, but now it was pretty much empty with the exception of a vase with a bouquet of yellow roses in it. She opened the book case with a hidden latch on the side. It reminded me of my Grandmother's attic. She had a bookcase upstairs that was used as a door to her attic. I always thought that it was so cool and different. I always loved to play in that attic with my dolls. My Grandmother had explained to me that a lot of older houses had attics such as these and they were common. But it still seemed magical to me. This attic was very small. It was almost the size of the room I had at the Waterford's. There was a small room the size of a closet in the attic that had a very small stand up shower and toilet. There was a sink outside of the room beside the door. In the middle of the attic were two twin beds each neatly made and a small dresser with a lamp on it. "I know it's not much" she said while holding her hands and smiling. "Thank you" Nick said to her. "There are just a few rules that I need you two to follow for all of our safety. I need you to stay in this room until night. I will bring you breakfast, lunch and dinner. When it's safe for you to come out and about I will knock on the door. You must stay in the house, please don't go outside. If there is trouble I will turn this light switch outside and the light in the ceiling will come on." Sydney explained. She stood there for a moment just looking at me as though she wanted to say something else but didn't. She gave us both a gentle smile and left the room. 

 

I sat on the bed and just starred at my feet. Nick took his gun out from his belt and placed it on the dresser then he came and sat beside me. We both sat in silence for a few moments. I couldn't help but think is Nick apart of Mayday? Is that why he told me to stay away from Emily, because he didn't want me involved? I grabbed his hand and put it into mine. " Nick, are you with Mayday?" The words just came out. He nodded then said "Yes." I felt relieved. He placed his head on my shoulder and began rubbing my belly. I put my hand into his and then he lifted his head up and grabbed my face and began to kiss me. I started undressing him and then myself. I couldn't help myself. He kissed me around my navel. Quietly we made love on the small twin bed and for what seemed like hours. It was hard to remain quiet, we were in our own world. Our own heaven were nobody existed but us. Afterwards I thought that it probably would have made sense to move the twin beds together, so I got up and started to move them and Nick seen what I was trying to do and told me to just let him do it. He let out a little chuckle, I guess he found it funny that I was trying to move that heavy bed on my own. I was use to this, just sitting, laying around like a lazy house cat. I had plenty of practice at the Waterford's. At least I had Nick and I was not alone. I needed to know more about Nick. "Nick tell me something, something about you from before" I begged. He inhaled sharply then began to rub his finger into hand. "I had a brother and a father, but they're gone now." He looked away for bit then he added "I never knew my mother she died when I was born. Her name was Christina." This was the most that he had ever offered me and I was grateful. I didn't know what to say. I put my head in his lap and "Sorry" was all that I knew to say.

 

On day twelve at the safe house I woke up nauseous and the feeling was so familiar. I remember having the worst morning sickness with Hannah. I ran to the bathroom and I was in such a hurry that I didn't close the door. Nick jumped up and ran to the bathroom. " June are you okay?" he stammered. I motioned for him to get out, but he didn't. He held my hair back for me until I was done. I was embarrassed that he'd seen me throw up everything in my belly. I just sat on the floor of the bathroom. "This is normal" I explained. "Morning sickness. I'll be better once I get some food." He nodded. It shouldn't be too long before Sydney comes with breakfast. She always came very early. Nick and I have both been a bit nervous the past few days. He told me that he was waiting to get information from his contact about Hannah before he had to move again. They've been keeping in touch with notes passed to and from Sydney. He explained that we would need to move again soon before it was safe enough for us to try to make our way across the border. Just as expected Sydney came early with the breakfast. It wasn't much toast, eggs and juice. While Sydney was there she handed Nick a note " Someone left this for you Nick" she said. I was curious what the message was. "Read it out loud Nick please" I urged. It said Hannah had made it to Canada. She was smuggled out with her Martha. I couldn't believe it. She was safe. She was with Luke. I felt my face get warm as tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't help but smile.

 

 

That night there was a knock at the door. I watched Nick reach for his gun then he slowly opened the door. It was Jason. In all the time that we've been here we've seen him once. "May I come in" he asked softly. Nick let him the room. " I received a message, tonight is the night that you two need to cross to Canada. I've made arrangements." I was nervous about leaving. We have been so safe here but deep down I knew it wouldn't last long. I knew too that Nick had began to get a little bit of cabin fever staying here. He wasn't use to this like me. Nick and I gathered up our few belongings and Sydney gave us a bag with some food. Before we left she hugged me tightly with tears in her eyes. "Thank you" I said to her. She smiled and said "they took my sister and made her a handmaid and when she tried to run away they shot her." I was stunned, it had never occurred to me why she and Jason were helping us. It makes sense now. "I wish that I could've helped her." she sobbed. Jason had arranged a car for us. Nick had said before when we first arrived here that he had given Jason and Sydney plenty of things that he had gotten from the black market that they would be able to trade for other things. I'm assuming that's how he got the car. It was so dark and cold outside. It was snowing heavy. Nick didn't want me in the trunk this time, he told me to lay low in the floor board of the car and he covered me with a blanket. We drove long into the night. I was terrified the entire time. But Nick had explained to me there were a lot of eyes that were apart of Mayday and things were going to get dangerous soon. They were planning something. They too were not happy with the way that the overtake had become. It was not what was promised. Too many people were getting hurt. He also had explained that were still those who were true believers and those were the ones that I was afraid of. I was afraid one of those true believers would spot us. I was scared that they would be the ones at the check points. I had fallen asleep in the back of the car when I heard the door of the car open and close. I peeked out from the blanket and seen Nick standing outside of the car looking at me through the window. He had a strange and sad look on his face. I was confused. "What's wrong" I whispered. He opened the car door and helped me out. We made it. We were in Canada. He pulled me close to him and whispered in my ear "we're in Canada June." We both walked slowly to the refugee center. I had butterflies! I couldn't wait to see Hannah and Luke. Oh God, Luke! How am I going to explain Nick to Luke? Luke is a good man and I know that he loves me. He loved the me before Gilead. I am not that person anymore. Am I? Nick opened the door for me and let me go inside first. They gave us food, clothes and were so understanding and nice. It felt strange to see men and women helping each other and being kind to each other. It was even more strange to me to see all the different color clothing everyone had on. Purples, blues, reds, greens, and yellows. It was like looking into a the past. Nick sat with me quietly rubbing his finger into his hand. I know it was late but they told me that they would contact Luke for me to let him know that I was here. I never thought until now what this would mean for Nick and I. He has come here to save me. He has come here with no one but me. I am his only family. I will see my husband and my daughter and be reunited with them, but what about him. Right now I feel closer to him than Luke. I feel awful thinking it. After all Luke hasn't done anything wrong. This wasn't his fault that this happened to me. Do I love Nick? Can I love Nick? He's closed his eyes now and is layed back in the chair. He must be exhausted. I look at him starting head to toe. My Grandmother always told me that you know you're in love if you can't imagine your life without that person. I can't imagine living without Nick.

 

 

An hour or so passes and I've fallen asleep with my head resting in Nick's lap. "June!" someone yelled. Instantly I sat straight up. It was Luke. Tears filled his eyes as he ran to me. "June I thought you were dead!" We hugged one another and I started to cry too. "Let's go home." he said. I stood up and looked at Nick. "Luke this is Nick. He saved me." Luke reached out and shook Nick's hand. Nick had a look in his eyes like he was holding something in. "Nick has to come with us Luke." I stated. Luke looked a little puzzled for a moment and opened his mouth to speak but before he could say anything Nick said" No June, go with him. Be with your family" I was angry. "No I said. Luke I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so happy that you are okay and alive. I know this is not the place for this, but I love this man." I declared. Nick just looked at me in shock and he grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly. Luke nodded his head and we just stood there for a few moments before anyone spoke. Luke explained to me that he thought that I was dead. Although he had hoped that I was still alive and well he too had moved on and found comfort in a former handmaid named Erin. He told me that Hannah and Moira had made it to Canada and were doing well considering the hell they were put through. I felt relief that he had found someone to love and hope and comfort him. I was even happier to know that Hannah and Moira had in fact made it to Canada and they were safe.

Nick and I stayed with Moira in her apartment. She too had changed. I guess that we all were a little tainted from our experience in Gilead. She lived in the same building as Luke so it made it easy for me to see Hannah when I wanted to. I felt like it was best if she stayed at Luke's place since she has her own room and besides she needs some stability right now. At first Nick kept trying to convince me that it would be better if I just let him stay at the refugee center until he found a job, but I refused. I wasn't taking any chances of losing him. They offered free counseling at the refugee center which Hannah and I both went to once a week. We each had separate meetings and they seemed to help. I had been afraid that Hannah wouldn't remember me, but she did. Being reunited with her was like finding the piece to my heart that was lost. I felt whole again. I still loved Luke, just not in the way that I did before. We had a mutual love for each other that was more like friendship. He's spent three years looking for me and now that he found me he too could feel complete. I liked Erin and I understood her and Luke's relationship. Luke is to Erin what Nick has been to me. A light at the end of the tunnel. They gave each other hope.

We've been in Canada now for few months now. Today I have an appointment to have a ultrasound done and Nick is upset that he couldn't take the day off to come with me. " I can miss one day" he scoffs at me. He really couldn't though. He just started this job about a month ago and they were very strict about missing days. He liked his job, I could tell. He worked at a dealer ship as on of their mechanics and came home covered in grease everyday. He was good at his job and I know that it made him feel good to have some income after all these months we've had to stay with Moira. Soon we'll have enough money saved for our own place together. I'm glad that Moira likes Nick. They hit it off almost immediately. She didn't like the fact that he was a former eye, but I explained that was the way he got information for the resistance. She understood, she didn't like it but she understood. I sat in the waiting room for about an hour. I never understood the point of having a appointment time if they're going to make you wait for so long. They finally call me back. The ultrasound took longer than expected because the baby kept moving around. They told me that we were having a girl and that she looked healthy. I was overjoyed. I would have been happy either way, but I feel like Nick really wanted a girl. They printed me out several photos that I could take home. I couldn't wait to show Nick and to tell Hannah that she was going to have a little sister.

I'm eight months along now and I'm miserable. My feet are swollen and I feel like I'm as big as a whale. Nick finally saved up enough money for us to get our own place and we just moved in a few days ago. There are boxes everywhere and it's driving me crazy. The only thing that I've unpacked are the kitchen items and the baby's things. That night as I lay beside Nick he puts his arm over my over grown belly and kisses my neck. I hear him whisper "I love you June." I never get tired of hearing that. "I love you too." I whisper back. I started to fall asleep when I felt cramping. I got up out of the bed and I felt something hot and wet between my legs. I put my hand down there and realized I was bleeding. "Nick! Nick" I shouted. He rushed me to the hospital he was going so fast I think he even ran a red light. The doctor did an emergency C-section to get the baby out. I woke in a haze. "Nick? Nick?" I couldn't see him in my room. He came rushing in and sat by my side. He had a worried look on his face. "What's wrong? Is the baby okay? Is she okay Nick? Answer me!" I shouted. Nick grabbed my hand and said "She's fine June. She's healthy. Seven pounds four ounces. She has ten toes and ten fingers. The nurses should be done with the other test soon." I sighed with relief. Then the nurses brought her in. " Hello Mommy are you ready to feed baby girl now?" the nurse asked. I couldn't wait to get her in my arms. I pulled back the blanket looking at her blue eyes and dark brown hair. She looked like Nick. "Have you picked out a name yet?" the nurse asked. I looked at Nick he just shrugged. "whatever you pick out will be fine with me." he said. I looked at the baby then I looked at Nick and asked " How about Christina, after your mother?" He smiled and nodded. "It's perfect." A few hours later Moira came with Hannah. I felt such joy. I have all the people I love in one room and I couldn't be happier. Nick hasn't left my side. He grabbed my hand and said " Thank you June for our beautiful daughter. I love you." My heart is full. I know I still have things to work out with what happened in Gilead, but I know that I have my family and I have truly found happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the very first time that I have ever written anything. I hope that you enjoy it! :)


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